Find ways to remove yourself from the situation if they begin to fight and be clear with them about your plan to do so. In that case, there are a few boundaries you can set to mitigate the impact their fighting has on you. If your parents are in denial that there’s a problem, or if they refuse to seek help or go to counseling, the fighting might continue. Ask them to hear you and to take a few days to think about what actions they can take to make the family environment a better one. You need to set a clear boundary that YOU are not the one they’re fighting with. It is not your job to be the referee of their disagreement… that’s their job. Don’t get caught up in that, and definitely don’t get caught in the middle of their “why.” If they start arguing right there in front of you, don’t engage. Hopefully they respond with compassion, but they may resist or deny what you’re saying to them. No matter how well (or poorly!) you communicate your feelings to them, your parents will probably not like hearing about their failures. Ask them to find some help, couples counseling or family therapy. Most importantly, let them know how those things make you feel: too tired for school or work because you’re losing sleep, unsafe in your home or car because they’re paying more attention to their fight than they are to the road, afraid to make one of them mad because they might give you the silent treatment, etc. If you hate going places with them in the car because they always argue about driving, tell them. If you’ve noticed that they never speak to each other anymore, even when they’re in the same room, tell them. If they’re yelling so loud that it wakes you up at night, tell them. Let them know, as kindly and patiently as you can, that the tension between them has begun to impact your life. Try not to fall into the same traps they fall into during their fights, but also… you’re the child, so it’s okay if you get overwhelmed or emotional. The important thing is that you need a moment to share your experience with your parents. If they truly can’t or won’t meet with you together, you can sit them down separately. If they’re divorced or separated, ask them if you can have a family meeting. If you regularly have dinner together as a family, bring it up when you’re gathered around the table. Sit your parents down, preferably in person, and ask them to listen to you for a few minutes without interrupting. So, what can you do when your parents are fighting? Talk To Them, Not Like Them You deserve a warm, open, honest, and healthy environment. From mental health concerns like anxiety and depression, to behavioral issues or even decreased cognitive performance, the long-term effects of parents fighting can be devastating for a child of any age. Even if your parents are trying their best to hide their fights from you, you can still feel the tension. Sometimes the exact opposite of lashing out physically-when one parent “freezes out” the other or gives the silent treatment after a disagreement-can be just as psychologically damaging to their kids as witnessing more “obvious” forms of abuse. What’s the big deal? All parents fight, right? Yes, a parental disagreement is bound to come up now and then, but if the fighting is frequent and in front of the kids? Actually, there are some pretty huge impacts that parental tension can have on a child’s life-and not just if the fights are getting physical. The fact that you’ve noticed (and presumably researched) the issue means it is already impacting your sense of stability. As parents, they are responsible for creating and maintaining a healthy home in which their child can grow and feel safe. Sure, you might already know the “why” because you know your parents, but as far as you are concerned… all that matters is that they are fighting. The “why” only matters between them, and they’ll need to figure that out in order to make a healthy decision about moving forward. Whether they act like it or not, they are fully grown adults who are responsible for their relationship and communication with each other. Why are your parents fighting? Guess what: it’s not your job to know that. So, then what can you do? First, let’s look at why parents fight.
#Growing up with parents who fight how to#
Whether you’re used to family tension or not, it can be tough to know how to deal with parents fighting. The stress of this pandemic has put extra pressure on their responsibilities to care for you and communicate with each other, so if they’re fighting more than usual… that’s not abnormal! No matter the reason, though, when your parents fight, you’re left to deal with that stress. It’s been a tough year for everyone, especially parents.
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